A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were getting ready for our monthly date night when he asked me, “What do you think of your boobs?”
I had to reply, “My boobs!”
We were at a restaurant, and he was already teasing me.
“Well, what do you want me to do?”
“Just give it some time,” he said.
It was like a scene from a movie.
My husband was getting me excited about my boobs and I was getting nervous.
But I couldn’t control myself.
He knew exactly what I wanted and was going to make it happen.
I was so nervous.
I even had to ask my boyfriend to step in to be my protector.
He told me to go ahead and have fun with it, and that I could do whatever I wanted.
I thought, “Why don’t I just have a baby now?”
I started to cry.
I don’t know what to do with myself, so I decided to have a tubal ligation, which involved a small incision made in my lower back and a metal tube inserted through the skin.
But the procedure was scary.
It hurt and was painful.
So I had another tubal.
I wanted it to feel good.
I could feel it growing in my body.
I did what I always do with a baby, and I decided that it was time to have my baby.
I felt so good and had a blast, but I had a difficult time talking to my husband.
I knew I had messed up.
But he didn’t care.
He was already ready to have another baby, so we were off.
But things were about to change.
He and I went to see a gynecologist for a checkup.
We were told that there were no problems.
And then, a few days later, the doctor told us, “You’re pregnant.”
We were shocked.
“You have a child!” he exclaimed.
My stomach sank.
I didn’t know how to respond.
My baby had just arrived.
And that was the end of my pregnancy fears.
My friends and I, who had been expecting to be parents for years, were stunned.
And the next day, I started wondering, Is this really happening?
Are these women really doing this to me?
Are they really willing to do anything to have babies?
I was shocked that I had given up my life for a child.
I had just given birth to my second child, and my friends and family were shocked too.
This has been a long road.
I went through my first miscarriage at age 16, when I miscarried in the car with my husband in a panic, after we got home from a day at the beach.
I never cried that night.
When I came to, I was sitting in a hospital room with the baby.
We had lost our first child, but that was our first real baby.
Our second was born a few weeks later.
But then the doctor came to the room and told us the bad news.
He had just found a woman who was trying to conceive again after she miscarried.
I asked the doctor if it was really me.
My next miscarriage was at 17.
I also had a miscarriage in a restaurant.
I tried to explain to the waiter, but he wouldn’t believe me.
We tried to go home the next night, but the restaurant manager refused to let us in.
I kept going back and forth with the hotel staff, until the hospital decided to hold me overnight.
At that point, I thought I was done.
I began to think I would die, or that I was going crazy.
My doctor came in and said, “There is hope.
You’re going to have an abortion, so just relax.”
I was devastated.
I finally got through the day and went home, with my belly full of hope.
But, I wasn’t at peace.
I still didn’t feel happy.
I hadn’t had a baby for almost two years.
I needed some relief.
I called my mom and told her I was ready to give birth.
I put on my wedding dress and got ready for my baby shower.
When the doctor walked in the door, I hugged him and said I was doing it for him.
My friend who was pregnant with me told me, We were so close to having a baby.
And we were.
We still have a lot of healing to do.
But my hope is that the joy we had together in those moments, and the strength we have in each other, will give us the strength to continue through this process.